My Story Part 10

i had been fortunate enough to not have to deal with anyone close to me or in my family passing away. My first experience of dealing with someone dying was my own 18 month old son who passed when I was 19. That nurse telling me I wouldnt be with my son if I committed suicide, pretty much saved my life. I never grew up religious and I wasn’t even sure what my beliefs were. All I knew was my baby boy is gone, I had to believe in something to be ok. I never prayed to ‘god’ or higher power, or anything like that, I’ve always prayed to my son.

So with suicide off the table, I became wreckless and ruthless. My theory was ‘I won’t take my life but fuck it I’ll find someone to do it for me!’ So I was the smart mouth 19 year old that mindset did not give a fuck and praying someone would just end my life. 

That first Christmas time I vaguely remember. I know we had went to see my grandpa. Well his girlfriend has a script of morphine 100mg. Well I ended up with a handful of them. I remember waking up drinking some alcohol popping another pill and passing back out. I don’t remember much at all. 

I think next I had returned to Arizona because I had to be close just in case the DA needed me for the court case against the driver. My best friend from high school and her boyfriend had split up. So we were finally on the same level, just wanting to get fucked up at the time. I drank from the time I woke up to whenever I passed out. We had all kinds of fun. I’m sure there were plenty of nights I was a hot ass mess.

Around this time AOL chats where just getting popular and meeting people off the internet. Well I utalized that AOL chat and the dudes off there to keep the alcohol coming. One night I meet this guy and I was drinking and smoking weed. But he kept going into the restroom. I had not done barely if any meth since before Evan passed, I didn’t wanna be awake so I avoided it and stayed on the liquor and weed. the dude just looks at me and says ‘you wanna get high?’ I reply of course acting brand new ‘off what?’ For whatever reason I figure fuck it and we got so high. I started drinking less and smoking dope more. 

Court came around and they offered her 14 years for vehicular manslaughter for my son’s death. 14 years is the price she paid for causing my son’s death. 14 years. They asked me at sentencing if I wanted to speak. I told the judge that I did not have anyrhing to say because part of me felt like I should be up there next to her because I put my son in that truck. Her lack of remorse got her sentences to all 14 years, and she served everyday of it. Even though I have no contact with her I watched inmate roster online. Arizona prison systems tell you everything online about inmates. 

Once that was over I ended back in Vegas. At first I was staying with my grandma and then every few days I’d go stay with my aunt in the hood. I’d kick it and smoke dope. Well that would turn to every other night, then finally I just got into it with my grandma and wouldn’t go back. I remember I sprained my ankle and my father had been speaking to me behind his wife’s back I’m assuming. Cause he was very secretive about meeting up with me or even communicating with me. He picked me up to give me a ride to the urgent care. On that ride he was going over his usual ‘your mom’s family aren’t nothing but pieces of shit, you shouldn’t have anything to do with them.’ 

So my aunt ends up getting arrested so I was at her apartment with her kids and another couple who stayed there. Well the following day my little cousins decide to go out and break into cars to help get ‘bail money’ for their mom. They were like around 7-9 years of age. Well my grandma was livid. And comes over to kick me out of my aunts apartment. I remember her being on the phone with the police giving them the description of what I’m wearing as I’m reaching over her to grab my bag with my belongings and I dip with the girl who was staying there. I think that night was my first time truest being homeless on the streets. I think we ended up sleeping in the shed outside of my aunt’s apartment.

Finally early the next morning she gets ahold of the her boyfriend and was with the dealer I was messing with on the low. Well they had a few rooms at stratosphere. So we get picked up and go there. We are in the main connects room smoking. Now that I look back I was naive and oblivious. Next thing I knew everyone was leaving and I was left there with this dude. He looks at me and says ‘rub my back’ I said ‘oh hell No’ qnd storm over to the phone and made them come get me. I remember he was laughing at me. Apparently I proved I wasn’t just some dope hoe. My loyalty was with him. He showed me how to survive on the streets of Vegas, but I was a little to wild for him as well. 

Now that I look back in it I’m grateful for the ones that were there dealing with me, for that I’ll always have love for them cause I was not easy to deal with and they didn’t have to but choose to deal with me at my worst. 

To be continued...

My Story Part 9

October 24, 2001, that morning started off like a typical morning I guess you could say or however they had been the last few weeks nothing unusual or whatever about it.  Evan was the only kid home the other girl, her three-year-old and two-year-old were with their dad but they were expected home at any time. Shortly after they were dropped off we were walking across the road to the park to take the kids to play. Her boyfriend pulls up in a truck and tells us to get in. I run back in the house and grab Evan‘s car seat  but as soon as I get back outside with it they tell me go put it back because there’s not enough room for the car seat and the other two kids. So I return the car seat and got in the truck with Evan.

The first stop that we made was at the mall. We got off and walked around the mall, shoplifting in a couple stores, hell I even filled out a job application at one of them. We all got back into the truck and We went to my friends house to pick him up and bring him back to her house with us. He was working on some tattoos. I remember taunting him to getting him to come get into the truck because he wasn’t really wanting to come that night. But he ends up giving in and getting in the truck and so we went to Kmart. Her and I did a lap around the store shoplifting and when we were done we went to go find her boyfriend and my friend they were in the restrooms trying to get high. She threw a fit about it and told them they could wait till we get home.  So they listen and we all got in the truck to leave.

One of the things that shoplifted was a bag of Hershey‘s kisses candies. I was opening them up giving the kids some, trying to keep them content. At this point she was driving, three kids were in the middle and I was on the passanger side. The window in the back that slid open that she was arguing with her boyfriend, she started jerking the steering wheel back-and-forth in the truck started jerking at that point. Evan was giving me his little Kissy face, he wanted me to give him kisses. So I lean over and give my baby boy kisses, as I go to sit back up I looked up and noticed that we are wrecking and I put my body in front of his and then next thing I know I wake up on the ground. Evan and I were ejected out of the front windshield of the truck. That truck flipped and rolled several times, it snapped a power pole into three pieces knocking out all the electricity in that neighborhood and we landed on top of a chain fence facing the direction we were just coming from.

I wake up on the ground missing one shoe, covered in dirt, dizzy and disoriented but I start panicking because I can’t find Evan and I’m looking for my son. I’m crying out for him. Go to the truck and the driver is laid across the front seat and her two kids are on the floorboard. She hands me her two kids tell me to take them home that her boyfriend had to get Evan to her house which was about six blocks away. So I carry her two-year-old and her three-year-old one on each hip back to her house. I walk in and set them down and I see her boyfriend and I ask him ‘where is Evan?’  He tells me ‘I sat him down in the shed across the street, he was to heavy’. First thing I imagined was my son being scared and crying cause he was left by himself in someone’s shed.

So back out the door I go and head back to the scene. I at that point did not want them to think I had any involvement in this wreck. So I tried lying my ass off and even trying to send a friend to get my son. At this point the cops are telling me that my son is ok that he just needed to see a familiar face. At the time I had no clue I was covered in dirt from being ejected from the windshield. I was in such shock from it all. They take me into this trailer they had on the scene and I pissed in a cup for them (I was clean). My shoulder starting to hurt. They finally tell me that my son passed away. I fell apart. At that point I realized I didn’t give a fuck about anything there was no point in lying about anything.

The next thing I know I’m being transported to hospital by ambulance. I remember arriving to the hospitals and hystaicly crying for Evan. I kept saying I wanted to die. I remember one of the nurses telling me ‘That’s obviously not god’s plan for you, if you take your life then you are not going to be with your son.’ I don’t know why but that is the only thing I remember front the three day stay at the hospital. They had me on suicide watch and kept me sedated. Evan’s father arrived the next day. I find out I have a broken collar bone on my right side. That was from the impact of going through the windshield.

As soon as I’m released from the hospital I start drinking to try to forget and numb my pain. Some nights I’d get drunk and just cry hysterically, some nights I’d be angry and tryin to fight with Evan’s father cause he was blaming me so I wanted him to ‘fuck me up like it was my fault then.’ I only remember bits and pieces after that.

On the day of Evan’s memorial services, they had let us view his body, I could not bring myself to touch him, I could barely look at him. I spent the rest of the funeral sobbing hysterically in the hall right outside the room but I still had the little baby coffin in my view. My whole right side of my shoulder is black and blue. I don’t even know if I was even still wearing the sling I was told to wear for 6-8 weeks.

I now knew what a real heart break felt like and I was devestated. I felt so lost and alone. Evan’s father returns to Ohio. I had no clue at the time he had a pregnant girlfriend in Ohio he had to return to. He tells me before he left to go to Ohio and we’d work shit out. So I pack my shit up and take off I go to West Virginia first to visit one of my cousins and it was just exposed to be a weekend trip before I went to Ohio well we just partied and drank and smoked weed oh ya even did some coke. I missed my flight. So I ended up having to stay another week. I didn’t mind I was just wanted to get fucked up. So I get to Ohio with my brother, I end up staying with the neighbor girl from when I was in foster care. She just had her first baby and was on another level. I felt bad because it was hard for me to be around the baby and I’m sure it stressed her out with me being there. So I went to stay with my brother’s cousins until it was time for my brother and I to leave Ohio.

We had to take a 3 day bus ride from Ohio to Washington state. It was an adventure to say the least. To be continued...

In loving memory of Evan Micheal DiCenso
April 17, 2000 ~ October 24, 2001

My Story Part 8

The next few months I was depressed and so heart broken, or it least I thought I was heart broken but I learned a few months later what real heart break is. Anyways...

So I delt with it the best I could by drinking, smoking weed, and crank calling him. I really thought him and I really would be together forever. I was so young, naive, and just really didn't know shit even though I thought I did. 

My best friend and her boyfriend helped me care for Evan. My best friend was the oldest of 5 kids and spent most of her life caring for her younger siblings. Her boyfriend he just wanted a kid. They both were so good with Evan. We all lived in their one bedroom apartment. I slept on the couch and we had Evan's crib set up in the living room. 

I don't know what happened with my mom when I left Vegas she was living in these weekly's that two of my aunts also lived at. She was spending alot of time with them and doing dope. Oh ya cause right before my step dad ripped the neighborhood off and took off he was putting dope in my mom`s drinks on the weekends. She was doing dope long before she even knew. Next thing I knew her and my step dad were back together and had loaded their stuff up and moving back to AZ. They got an apartment in Phoenix. They were full time tweakers at this point.

I remember one early evening, I laid down with Evan to nap. I probably had started drinking early that day, who knows. But I wake up to my friend`s boyfriend`s hand down my pants. I was so freaked out. When. I woke up he dipped out and dodged me and I dodged him. I was like `what the fuck` that was my best friend`s boyfriend, that was not ok. I did what I thought was the right thing and told her about it. Things got a little weird between all of us. So I went to go stay with my mom and step dad in phoenix. 

At my best friend`s I had to keep the dope smoking on the dl, when I moved back in with my mom and step dad that wasn't the case. They'd smoke with me. My mom and I would steal some of his dope. He'd always say he didn't have any and my mom would find it and it was so funny she'd take just a little bit so he wouldn't notice. I'd laugh cause when Evan`s father told me he didn't have any and I found some, he'd really have none when he'd go back for it. I'd take it all. 

I didn't do much with my life at this point I just stayed home with Evan and took care of him. Occasionally my mom and step dad would loan me my mom`s car and watch Evan while I went out to party with my friends in Tempe. 

One night I don't even remember why but there was a huge fight between me and them. All I remember is my step dad saying `get her honey` and my mom attacked me. By this time we were about the same size and this is the first time I even hit her back. She fucked me up pretty good I had both my eyes blacked. I didn't leave the apartment for a week or two. Wait one time I left so my mom could give me a ride to the circle K to pull money off my card so she could go get some food from the dollar store.

After both my eyes healed I end up going to a friend from high school house and she introduced me to this other girl who lived in south Phoenix who would let Evan and I stay there until my grandma could get us and take us back to Vegas. I was there for a few weeks. 

I have to stop here, it's so late and this next part I'm need more time then I got tonight to type. So to be continued...

My Story Part 7

I felt at home in Vegas so the move there sucked to leave my friends but was not near as bad of most of the other moves I had to do. I don’t know there is something about that city I love. Maybe it’s the fast paced lifestyle or maybe it’s just in my blood. I loved the strip when I was younger I was always so amazed my grandma would always take me down to the strip when I’d come visit her. Anyways back to age 16...

I was enrolled in a home school type school. I had to go to a class room one day a week for two hours a week to test out on the materials. That shit quickly really didn’t fit in this new lifestyle. I had to spend all my time with my new loves (the boyfriend and smoking dope). He was 19 years old italian guy and when I meet him was working at one of the Chevy dealerships. I remember being so attracted to him. I couldn’t believe he was mine. We spent everyday for the next three years together. To this day he is the only guy that has NOT cheated on me.

We would drive to this hill down Charleston blvd. There would be this place to park and look out down on all of Las Vegas all lite up. We’d spend a lot of time kicking it up there looking out at the beautiful lit up city and drinking & smoking. He was a very sweet guy in the beginning would buy me cards actually he did that throughout the whole relationship. Bought me all kinds of jewelry and would surprise me with stuff. He’s the only guy I’ve been with to this day to be like that with me. 

Since I had basically fucked high school off. My best friend was still at Tempe High. Her and her boyfriend both bought two prom tickets, so him and I booked a flight for the weekend in Tempe and went to go hang out with my old friends and go to prom. All of us were smoking dope, weed and drinking. We had gotten some `x` to take prom night. We basically spent all day getting ready for prom to go and take pictures and leave because we wanted to do the `x`. So we went back to my friend`s boyfriend house and start rolling. It was fun from what I remember. We also got some nice prom pics.

Not surprisingly since we were sleeping in the same bed every night and very sexually active, wasn’t long before I found out I was pregnant. I’ll never forget the day I found out. I went to this abortion clinic because they would do free pregnancy test. When I found out I was like ‘fuck’. Dreading telling my mom and step dad. He was so excited, telling people at the gas station right after we found out. Now that I look back it was cute I don’t think any of my other kids fathers had such a reaction. 

I swear while breaking the news to my mom, she kept like rocking like she was going to lung over the table and fuck me up. Thankfully she didn’t. My step dad took on this role of telling us what we were going to do. I was told to go back to school now while I could, at a local alternative school for pregnant and troubled kids. He was told he was going to go to work everyday with my step dad so he could provide for the baby and I. 

All drinking and drug using stopped with no issues. I didn’t even desire it. It was easy for me to quit back then. I started school I only had to go half day since I still always had an issue with getting up early. Then like usual we moved across town. So I just stopped going because is didn’t want to make the drive everyday and I didn’t want to switch schools. That was basically the end of my attempts at attending high school. I spent the next few months chillin at home watching daytime talkshows and getting excited for our new little boy that was  expected in April 2000.

He was working during the day then going to school in the evenings. I was so jealous cause I was stuck at home all the time. My whole family was excited about the new baby we were expecting I don’t recall anyone talking shit cause of my age but maybe that’s cause I made it two years older then my mom did. 

I remember laying in the hospital on April 15, 2000. Getting my labor induced and I was so fucking scared. I didn’t want a c-section and I didn’t want to push this baby out. That’s when i panicked about how was this baby going to get out of me. After two days of trying to induce my labor, I wouldn’t dialate past a 2. The doctor discovers the baby is to big and won’t fit in my birthing canal. So emergency c-section. On April 17, 2000 Evan Micheal DiCenso was born weighing 8lbs 14oz. Having him showed me a whole other level of love. He was a healthy baby that was for sure. I ended up being in the hospital for 7 days after that c-section. Back then I didn’t realize how lucky I was that his father stayed right by my side the whole time. 

Exactly 7 days after Evan was born I seen an ad on tv for a college so I called, enrolled and started that night. So I went to school from 6pm to 10pm Monday through Friday. My family would watch Evan for me so I could go to school and while his father was at school. College was so much different then high school. I liked it. I did well had made the dean’s list, student of the month, and graduated early with a degree for Computerized Business administration. 

About half way through school I started working durning the day for a collection law firm that was located downtown Las Vegas. I really enjoyed that job and learned a lot. Then we got our own apartment. I wanted to move into these apartments because they were called ‘Princess by the lakes’ in a nice area (or it least it was back then). 

Right before we moved in there Evan’s father started doing dope again. I didn’t know at first. He would do all kinds of shady shit like steal my bank card and drain my account in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. He would steal my car in the middle of the night. I wanted nothing more then for my baby to have what I didn’t which was both parents. So I followed suit with him and started doing it as well. 

We both end up getting new vehicles. He had a truck and I bought my first car on my own from dealership. It was December of 2000 and I got a 2001 Ford focus. I'm pretty sure that was around the time those cars were just coming out. I loved my car I was so proud of it. After we started fucking everything off. Including the money for my plates. So the temporary dealer plate expired and they wouldn't give me anymore. So in this three month period I got 6 or 7 traffic tickets for either speeding or unregistered vehicle. Of course I never paid any of those tickets.

It was a lot easier to do it in our own apartment. We didn’t have to lay in bed and pretend we were asleep at night to hide it from my mom. So didn’t take long before things went downhill. My step dad ends up packing up and leaving my mom after he borrows money from all the neighbors promising to pay them all back on the same day. Well he left before the sun came up that morning right before they all started knocking on the door wanting whatever was owed to them. 

My poor mom had no clue and was left there to try and deal with it. Not to mention it was the same time a $7,000 balloon payment was due on their house. We moved back into my mom’s house to try and help her. She sold everything in the house to try to get the money and couldn’t. So we end up moving into a weekly over by some shitty neighborhood, one I’d end up getting to know well later down the road.

Around this time I got caught shoplifting at a grocery store. So I got a theift charge. I also neglected that as well.

So my mom just jumped on board with what everyone else around her was doing and that was doing dope. Growing up I never knew my mom to do anything but smoke weed and drink. She raised me telling me it was ok to smoke weed and drink as long as I didn’t do other drugs. Well her husband, Evan’s father, her sisters, and even me were all doing dope behind her back. So when her husband left she just said fuck it and joined in and started doing it as well. 

Evan’s father had gotten really bad and was stealing anything and everything he could including some jewelry from my moms jewelry box. So she no longer would allow him to stay with us. So we would give my aunt some dope and she’d let him crash on her couch when he needed to. 

Shortly after Evan’s first birthday his father ends up leaving to go back to Ohio with his family. He wanted Evan and I to go so bad but honestly I was to scared to go that far away besides that I was scared they would take Evan from me and I’d lose him like my mom lost my brother. I'm not gonna lie several times throughout my life I've wonder if things would have been different if Evan and I moved there with him.

So I go to the DMV with a check from my discover card and wrote the DMV a bad check for $380 to get plates and registration for my car. I was barely 18 and everyone seemed to want to give me credit cards, cell phones, and anything else to destroy my credit.

So I loaded mine and Evan’s belongings and we moved to Tempe, AZ with my best friend from high school. We lived with her and her boyfriend, they had been together since high school. Well I would do dope behind her back cause she didn't use it anymore, wasn't even tempted to. Her boyfriend would also do dope behind her back. We would drink almost nightly. I remember her mom watching Evan for me and we went out drinking and then went to go see another mutal friend from high school who was at the hospital cause she just had her baby. I was so fucked up on tequila. I guess I threw up all over in her bathroom. The room just smelled like thrown up tequilla.

My best friend cousin was kickin it with us drinking and I made him that nights goal. Apparently I thought the ride home from the hospital in the back seat was a good time while my best friend and her boyfriend were upfront driving us back to the apartment. I was always a little crazy like that and boy crazy since age 13.

I went back to Vegas one weekend to get another load of Evan and my belongings. It was memorial weekend and traffic was crazy. I get pulled over for speeding. I had dope in my car and Evan was asleep in his car seat. For whatever reason the cop just wrote me a speeding ticket and let's me know that my driver's license is suspended. He tells me you might wanna slow down the next cop might not be so nice` and he let's me drive off. I was so scared to go a mile over the speed limit. Then an hour into the drive I realize I was going the wrong way. I didn't get back to the apartment until like 2 hours before I was exposed to be at work.

Of course paying my car payment wasn't a thought. I was really heartbroken over Evan`s father being gone and just tried to act like it didn't bother me and cover it up with all the drinking and partying. So one day all high i get back to the apartment and i accidently locked my keys in the car. So not thinking i called the road side service that came with my car to have them unlock my car. Then about two weeks later for whatever reason i was awake and just happen to catch the guy who came to repo my car. Luckily he was nice enough to let me get all our belongings out of it. So now I'm stranded with Evan and no vehicle. I'd always had a car since age 16 I wasn't even sure what to do.

To be continued...

My Story Part 6

 So over the next few weeks I don’t even remember. Next thing I remember I was staying with another friend. The next few weeks end up staying a week here and a week there at different friends houses around Phoenix and tempe at different friends house. My family ends up moving back to vegas.

To this day I’m not even sure how but somehow or another  I convince my mom to let me move in with a `friend` and her `uncle` and return back to Tempe high, in reality I just convince my mom to let me move in with a 21-year-old ASU college boy, and 18-year-old boy, and another 16-year-old boy. who each rented a room in this for bedroom house.  Of course I had a empty room with nothing but personal belongings. No bed no type of furniture. But the rest of the house was just as empty. So I find myself sleeping in the college boy`s room. He was a nice guy, didn’t do any drugs only drink. More of a protective type I guess I don’t now.

 My mom had drove down from Vegas to bring me some of my stuff and get me and enrolled in school. My cover up story for the no furniture was the carpets were getting clean so they moved everything to storage to get the carpets cleaned. I don’t even know how or why she bought that story. Who really moves all their stuff to storage to clean the carpet?

I remember the first two weeks of school I barely went. I had issues even back then with getting up in the mornings and because the 21 year old went home to Florida to visit his family. So we just ran wild I guess you could say. What do you think an 18 year old, and two 16 years olds would do? We threw so many parties and created alot of crazy memories!

So my birthday was during the week  so me and the other two roomates throw myself a party the weekend before my birthday at the house. So to this day think that was the best birthday I’ve had the most fun being carefree and having fun. There were so many people there every room was packed with people.

So the next morning we get woke up to cops at the door because some girl decided to take her parents car and return home or some shit so the cops located the car out front of our house and decided to come see what was going on.

I guess you can say they hit the jackpot when they found 24 hung over minors passed out every where. So the 18-year-old roommate got screwed and got charged with contributing to minors (24 charges O_o). He wasn’t even old enough to purchase himself liquor.

The funniest thing is the biggest dude there was actually the first one out the back door, over the fence and the only one that got away. I don’t know why the cops didn’t really mess with me. I just told them I was out there visiting and they let me go back to bed. Have no clue how I manage that or why they left me alone. My actual birthday was aschool day. so I went to school with some liquor in my water bottle. I stuck to my morning routine (when I actually got up and made it) of stopping at the tracks behind the school and smoke some weed. I don't even remember who but someone had given me two hits of acid for my birthday that I dropped both of them on my way into school. so I spent my 16th birthday at school frying on acid.

When my mom had came down to register me for school she had put her contact information as emergency contact or whatever so the school had called the Place where I was staying and got the message machine with a recording saying he was out of town for two weeks. so the school had realized I was unsupervised and that's probably why my attendence was so bad. So they called my mother in Las Vegas to let her know.  I was in photography class and the next thing I knew I was being called down in the principals office frying on acid. I remember trying to steal some fucking beanie baby or some shit like that off his fucking shelf like an idiot it was pretty colors or some shit I don’t even know.

 So my whole little scam comes out on my 16th birthday to my mom about lying about who I lived with in Arizona.  Needless to say she bought me an airline ticket to fly back to Vegas that night. The one thing that the 21 year old and asked me before he left is that I could sleep in his room just dont smoke weed in the house especially his bedroom.

so I just get kicked out of school. I’m freaking out still frying in his room smoking weed like he asked me not to do. The 18-year-old roommate went to go pick him up from the airport to bring them home.  So he comes and I told him That I need a ride to the airport.

 I thought I would try to bribe my mom to not be so mad at me with some weed. So I’m stashing this bag of what I thought was weed in my backpack. As I’m going through airport security they reach your hand in the same pocket the weed and pipe are in and I have no clue how they did not bust me with that but they let me go on through.

I had to ride an airplane from Phoenix to Vegas still frying. I called my best friend in Tempe collect from my mom`s house phone and I'm telling her that I don't know where I'm at or what's going on. Needless to say I believe that was the last time I fried on acid. So my mom picks me up and I’m excited thinking I did a good thing and brought her some weed. Cause I remember her telling me she didn't know where to get any. I pulled out a bag of stems and seeds. Ooops!

So now living in Vegas with my mom. I got my driver's license at 16. Man that was a whole new level of freedom. My step dad bought me my first car which was a 1989 Chevy cavalier Z24. That car was fast or it least I drove it like a race car.

The first 6 months I got into so many little finder benders. They were usually males all but one. They all let me go said it was fine except the o e female had to call and get police involved. So I took off. My mom and step dad received a call telling them. My step dad told them some bullshit story saying the car doesn't even run or sone shit. I never even got my first traffic violation until I was 18.

I was all over Vegas. Got a part time job at little Caesars. That only lasted until we did the typical moved across town. So I got another job at some after hours answering service place. I was an attorney office close by and I'd flirt with the cute guy that worked there. So he finally ask me out and of course I'm down. He picks me up and takes me to some house to smoke meth out of a light bulb in the bathroom with three other dudes.

I fell head over heels in love and not with any of the guys but with the feeling of the smoke in my lungs. That was the last time I seen that guy. I don't remember how but I end up making friends with some tweakers on the next road over. So naturally I'm driving all over to smoke.

Valentines day 1998 I believe I meet my first true love. He was cooking dope and I really fell head over heels in love with him. I was so naive and would believe anything he told me. We end up spending every day and night together. We are drinking, smoking weed and meth. Next thing I know him and his side kick friend are living at our house. They let him move right into my room and put his friend in room with my cousin.

To be continued....

My Story Part 5

 Around this time I was always dying my hair. I guess trying to find myself. This is around the time the movie `The Craft` came out. Once that movie came out I was constantly hearing comments from people about how I `look like the girl at the Craft.` I still do hear it ever now and again.

 This school is nothing like Tempe high, where I once felt like I was home for once. They were like a whole different breed up there in that little tiny town. We had moved up here so that my mom could help get some bar open for some people she had known in Phoenix. So needless to say a lot of time was spent hanging out at this bar, even though I was only 13 years old, when I was kicked out of school my punishment would be to go help out in the kitchen . I liked hanging out there. 

I was kicked out of school within the first two weeks, because I got caught drinking and smoking weed under the stage in the gym. Apparently they frown upon that in that small town.  I didn’t have friends in this new town like I had previously or like I’ve had since I moved to Arizona. I would use intimidation to keep people pushed away for me. Besides I knew it was only a matter of time before we would be on our way. 

 I don't think we were there long before one of my aunts came to live there. They were always not to far behind us or we were running to where ever they were.

  I was rebellious and still pissed they moved me from Tempe, so I refused to go back to school. I was 13 and knew what was best for me, or so I thought. I kept in contact with my friends in Tempe and even a few from Phoenix. I learned quickly about the USPS process and we'd write each other. The long distant phone calls would add up to quickly. I don't even know how much over the years I've racked up in long distant phone calls. It least thousands. I would go visit every chance I got. 

Right around spring break I went to Tempe to spend a week with one of my friends. I meet this guy who was selling acid and mushrooms. We took a liking to each other and began hooking up. He was my `boyfriend`. Of course with that came the benefir of getting all the acid I wanted for my friend and myself. So my friend and I spent the next few days just frying on acid and mushrooms. We apparently decided to draw `trippy mushrooms` randomly in her room on bedroom furniture, on the walls, or where ever else we thought they'd look cool. When we sobered up they weren't as cool looking and I remember her mother was beyond pissed. So that ended that trip. 

I returned to Showlow and smoked alot of weed, and hung out at the bar alot to pass time until summer came. I don't know how but my friend convinced her parents to let me come stay for two weeks during summer break. I thought for sure after the acid trips they wouldn't allow me over any more. When my friends and I would get into trouble 9 times out of 10 my friends parents would always blame me. Funny thing is more times then not it wasn’t even my idea. But I was ‘the new kid’ so had to be my fault because I had the bartender mother and was unstable.

So I go back and we are only a week into this visit and my mom calls me and tells me they are picking me up early because we are going on a trip. She made it sound like it was some vacation or something. I was very pissed when they arrived to get me I find out she didn't mean a vacation like trip. She meant we were on the move again.

I was so upset I didn't get to pack my stuff so I had no idea what was left behind of my belongs. My brothers and I are riding in the back of this truck with all of our belongings all around us and we end up getting a flat tire. Well while it was being changed it they let the dogs off and when we all loaded back up one of the dogs got left behind. She was laying in the shade behind the tire trying to keep cool. My step dad accidently ran her over killing her. This is the first time I really seen him cry. So he burys the dog  on the side of the highway. We are off to the next location.

To be continued...

My Story Part 4

I finally for the first time in my life felt like I belonged some where. Even though I was consistently in trouble, I didn't mind it was worth it to me. Besides at that age I thought I knew everything anyways.

My mom usually worked as a bartender and by the age of 12 I was always home watching my brother and/or cousins. I finally had friends and felt accepted. One of my aunts ends up moving in with us with her kids. So naturally I show my cousin the way into trouble and bad choices I was making. 

My 12th birthday was a pool party at the apartments. I remember spending a lot of time swimming when we ,over to arizona. To this day that's the last birthday party I've had. 

We shared a room and she liked to smoke cigarettes and weed like I did so we always hung out. We would sit on top of our closet (a standard apartment size) and smoke cigarettes. We thought we were slick tacking an empty cigarette pack to the wall on top of the closet to stash our cigarettes in.

By this time I was completely into hanging out with my friends, shoplifting from the mall, smoking weed and cigarettes and having sex. I always had more male friends than female friends but the few female friends I had I'm still it least friends with on Facebook to this day. I was into playing `two hand touch football` with the neighborhood boys. I had a lot of male cousins so I could handle my own.

Around this time I went to my first concert with my cousin, we were 12. We went by ourselves in phoenix, AZ to see boys II men, TLC, & montel Jordan. We had a blast. Shortly after I went to Aerosmith concert with my mom.

I remember getting into so much trouble. I was stealing clothes from the laundry room of the apartments we lived in. I was constantly ditching school and/or in the school office in trouble for one thing or another. I figured it didn't matter to me I knew we'd be moving soon anyways.

My mom had enough of my shit. My father had just contacted me and popped back in my live and in one of our fights I cried out to her I wanted to live with my father. Next thing I knew she was packing me up in the car and drove me to Vegas and dropped me off at my father's mother's place. I had not had any contact with them since my one visit when I was around 8 and now I was 13. For whatever reason my father`s mother hated me.

I remember waiting for my father to come pick me up. For whatever reason his mother gives me a pack of cigarettes that belonged to my uncle. I don't remember seeing much of him this time around.

I didn't have much clothes or anything really with me so my father and his wife took me shopping. Bought me all kinds of new expensive clothes and shoes. He would tell me `if you buy cheap shit you get cheap shit. They had their nice big three bedroom house, my step mom had an SUV, my father had a truck and Corvette, they had a boat and pool table in the garage. He worked at hard rock hotel as a black Jack dealer and she was a cocktail waitress at Caesars palace. So needless to say it was all about looking nice and having nice things.

My father came to pick me up and took me to his picture perfect little family. One I so did not fit into. Now I had a little brother and sister. I loved my little sister we got along well from what I remember. My little brother was the baby and spoiled. I already had a little brother at home with my mom so I was excited for the little sister. My step mother hated me. I was the cause of a lot of fights between my father and his wife. Which was fine with me cause they usually ended with my father taking me for a car ride in his Corvette, and he'd tell me stories about him and my mother's younger days. I loved that one on one time with him. I guess for that moment I felt on top of the world. I heard my father telling my mother on the phone `what am I exposed to do with her? You`ve ruined her already`.

My father and his wife would always make comments to me about my weight. My step mom was always putting me down about my looks. It sucked feeling like I was never good enough for either of them.

My father would tell me that I would have to choose between him and my mom that i couldn't have both of them in my life. He was always bad mouthing my mom and her side of the family especially if his wife was around. He would record my phone calls that I had with my mom. Once I started school I quickly became friends with a girl making similiar bad choices like myself, except she was going a bit further. I did my first lines of meth with her. I didn't really care for the burn of it.

I'd spend the night with her as often as possible. We spent a lot of time at this skating ring that was on boulder highway in Vegas. I wanna say `crystal palace`. I never really got into much trouble at this school that I recall. But I started drinking more often as my father had quite the collection of liquor bottles. I'd dump out some of my soda and pour some vodka in it and take it to school with me to drink. When the bottle was almost empty I'd refill it with water. I'd watch my father, his wife and their friends play pool and drink the water (thinking it was volka) then bicker about who had to go to the store to get more liquor.

It was known that I liked to smoke cigarettes. During the day the few times my step mom was left with me, she'd give me some of her cigarettes that she was hiding from my father. Then one night when I was out front smoking, she came out, already in a shitty mood looks at me smoking my cigarette and goes back inside and starts some big ass fight with my father trying to say I was smoking weed. So my father and I leave to go on another late night drive around Las Vegas in his Corvette.

He tells me on that car ride that he didn't think that me living with them was working out. They had a lot of fights in front of me that were about me. I could tell my whole existence ruined her picture perfect family. She wanted nothing to do with me and didn't want her kids around me. After that my father was more adamant that I had to end all contact with my mother if I wanted to stay with them. I was to fearful to give up the only person that was a constant in my life for an unknown. So on a plane back to Arizona I went. I was not allowed to take anything the bought for me, I had to leave it all there.

So when I returned to my mom she was living in Tempe, AZ and was getting ready to marry the guy she had just met three months ago, right before I left to my father`s. Turns out hes been the only male to stick around in my life, of course with one hell of bumpy and curvy ride. He definitely educated my mom and me on a whole new level of fucked up.

He was a straight hustler and my mom was naive as fuck. Shortly after returning to my mom he was trying to gain points with my mom by painting my room black and teal like I wanted. He just wanted to be the cool step parent. Him and my mom got tired of me stealing their cigerettes so at this point the just started buying them for me weekly. They didn't mind if I drank beer only or smoked weed at home.

For my 13th birthday they got me a pager (it was the `in` thing at the time). I remember walking home from school and we were so stoned. The damn thing kept beeping but there wasnt a phone around so I ignored it and kept fucking off with my friends. Well by the time I got home they were pissed and end up taking the pager from me. This was a few weeks before their wedding. So I got on all kinds of party lines using my mom`s name and giving them the pager number. So she had all these guys hitting her up. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Unfortunately they didn't think it was as funny as I did.

I remember their wedding day there was a concert I wanted to go to and so they ended up getting me tickets to go so they could party all night afterwards. They sent their friend that lived with us with me to drive me and watch me there. I used to joke with him and call him my shoffar. He was always getting sent with me or to drive me and my friends.

I was getting ready to start high school and I meet the girl who would quickly become my best friend for years to come. We both were boy crazy potheads. I quickly found my spot in this group of stoners. My best friend and I were searching my mom's room one afternoon and swore we hit the jackpot both of us ended up leaving with a sandwich bag each of some good weed. My mom and step dad never had any shortage of weed that's for sure. 

Tempe high was a year round school which meant my freshman year started in July before my 14th birthday. I remember telling my mom don't enroll me in high school if you guys are just going to make me move before the year is over. Needless to say two months into the school year we were packing to move to Showlow, AZ. I was fucking pissed.

To be continued...

My Story Part 3

We moved to these apartments with a creek behind them in Washington. I was so excited because my cousin lived downstairs. So we were able to spend a lot of time together. Mostly we were up to no good. I was around 9-10 years old maybe. My cousin and I spent a lot of time outside. We decided to steal two packs of cigarettes from my aunt. There were two kinds (menthol & regulars)so we had to take one of each. We wrong to go pick ‘blackberries’ which really meant we went to go hang out in this little forest area next to the apartments smoking cigarettes. Her brother found out what we were doing and was quick to tell on us. I was in so much trouble. I remember having to wash walls for what felt like forever.

My older cousin was always mean to us. Always fucking with us for entertainment. But I didn't care  I spent as many nights with them as I possibly could. Wasn’t long before they moved.

One night I was taking a shower and the shower had glass doors. The shampoo and conditioner was kept up there to keep my little brother from dumping the bottles out when he bathed. I was reaching up to grab it and was just a little to short, so I stepped on the side. My foot ends up slipping and I slid down bashing my two front teeth. The impact of the fall ended up pushing my two front teeth above my jaw bone. I don’t remember much after that except I remember a bit of being at the hosiptal and the drs literirally pushing my teeth back down. I was in so much pain.

Afterwards I had to wear this wire thing across my teeth to try and hold them while they healed. I also remember having tubes put in my ears and my adenoids removed. Because I got a lot of ear infections and strep throat. I was being told I get to eat all the ice cream I want and how great it was going to be. But I remember not feeling like it. I had to eat some popcyle before they’d release me from the hospital. Thank god for my cousin, she was there and to eat it for me so I could go home.

Next thing I remember we are packing up and moving back to Ohio. I later realized my mom had to take my brother’s father to court to get some type of visits in place so that we were able to see him. So every summer he’d come to visit, and some holidays, where ever it was we were located at. I hated being there. I remember feeling scared I was going to be stuck with my brother`s uncle again. I think we were there for about a year. Then it was time to pack and move.

This time we ended up in Glendale, Arizona. We moved into these huge apartmet complex. This is the first time I ever felt ‘home’. I loved Arizona. This is also where i learned so much. I started smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking.

I found a group of gang members that were more then welcoming to me and I started doing all kinds of things. I ditched school for the first time, we were kickin it at my friend who was my age but the rest of the group were older. Her mom was never home always at work, so we kicked it there often. Next thing I know I’m dared to light my hand on fire with hairspray. I’ve always been the crazy one down to try anything. Or maybe I always felt I had to since I was the new girl. Well they forgot to tell me I needed to let the hairspray dry first.  My mom had to take me to hospital I needed up having 2nd & 3rd degree burns all over my left hand. So needless to say my mom found out about me ditching school.

I had my first kiss with a boy. I remember spending a lot of time just up to no good. This was a whole other level then what my cousin and I would do. We would go to the corner store and just fill out bags with candy and then go back to the apartments and sell it to other kids. I remember getting in trouble for sticking bubble gum in the neighbor above us deadbolt. I don’t even remember why.

We were fucking with some kid for whatever reason and there was like 5-6 of us. We were theowimg rocks at the glass  sliding doors. Of course out of all these kids my rock is the one that shatters that glass door. My mom was pisses she has to pay to replace that door. I remember getting fucked up often due to all the trouble I was getting into. But it didn’t stop me it just made me more sneaky. We would roam around the apartments in the middle of the night kicking spreakler heads off and often throwing all the pool furniture into the pool and finding some type of trouble to get into.

The office for the apartments had vending machines inside. Well they kept the packages for residents on a shelf right by the vending machine and there was a door to quickly exit out. So we got the idea to take a few packages and dip out. We did this until they stopped letting us come in to ‘use the vending machine’.

This is when the constant moving started to get to me. I felt like as soon as I made friends and was content some where it was time to move. We ended up moving to Phoenix, AZ. I loved it there to and quickly found the kids making bad choices to hang with.

I started this new school and I met this girl who needed up being one of my bestest friends (and I lost my virginity to her brother.) I’d spend as many nights as I could with her. I meet her the first day of school and she was on her way out to ditch and asked me if I wanted to go. She said ‘The first day is the perfect day cause they don’t know what you look like.’ I spent a lot of time ditching school. We’d go shoplifting at the mall. Hang out and smoke weed. By this time I was smoking cigarettes and weed everyday.

I was always in trouble at this school. One day on the way home on the bus, I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking but I end up ducking down in my seat and lighting a cigarette. That bus driver stopped that bus and kicked my ass off right there. I wasn’t even sure how to get home. But I manage to make it home as usual.

A group of us saved our ‘lunch money’ for like a week and decided to have someone rent is a motel room to kick it in so we could ditch school. We went to the Kmart next door and shoplifted random shit. While outside waiting for a friend to come out some guy ask us to watch his bike. Well it had some black pouch on the seat so being the curious kids we were we stole the bag and left the bike. This was the first time I seen needles and spoon. We end up trashing the motel room by the time we left we had picked up everything we could literally pick up and move and threw it all in the shower and left the shower running when we left. We had to catch the city bus to get back to school to take the school bus home.

I swear I was always in that office of this school. They vice principal would come to the bus stop before school and search me and my friend. Then when we got to school we would get searched again to make sure we were bring anything we weren’t exposed to. I got caught burning ‘fuck’ into the ceiling of the girls bathroom where we were ditching class smoking weed.

To be continued...

My Story Part 2

 I was trying to decide whether to tell the next part of my story tonight or not. But I guess buck fuck it might as well let it be told.

 So that 3 Day greyhound bus ride took us to Washington state, with my aunt and her kids. Nothing really seem to change just the new scenery. My mom was still drinking all the time with her sisters now. And of course since I was the oldest out of all my cousins I was the one off the left to watch them. I don’t remember much from this time just bits and pieces.

I remember eight years old while we were in Washington. This is the first time I remember having contact with my father. I was going to Vegas to visit him but I was too scared to ride a plane by myself. So him,  his wife, and their baby  made the drive from Vegas to Washington to pick me up. I stayed with them for a couple weeks I guess I’m not sure how long it was. I remember that my stepmom was kind of mean to me. I love playing with my baby sister, my father, and his brother who is always around. My dad was always about money and have a nice things. I remember sitting on the couch playing with my baby sister and they were taking pictures of her and I with all this money all around us.

 I’m not really sure what happened but once I was returned to my mom I did not hear from him for years.

 So back in Washington with my mom, my aunt, and my cousins. They were doing the same old thing drinking all the time. I remember hanging out on army bases where they were partying that. They were actually a lot of random places I remember bits and pieces of being at. Like my mom, my aunts were as unstable as her they would come in and out of my life  and always moving around.

 I remember moving to California to this guys parents house that my mom had just married. I got registered for a new school and I think we were only there for maybe two weeks. I just know I was walking home from school one day and my mom picks me up in a taxi and we took off to some convenient store to meet up with my aunt who is there waiting for her. We were driving back to Washington apparently. I remember being so upset because all of my stuff was left at this guy’s parents house. Those moves seem to happen often. Every school year I went to it least two if not more school per school year. Never did we live in the same area long enough for me to start and finish a school year at the same school. It sucked always feeling like I never belonged.

There were so many different moves, places we lived in, and men in and out of our lives they all seem like a blur sometimes. I remember we lived in these apartments and my mom and my aunts were having some party that night so I had to stay in the room with the kids. The  next thing I knew in the morning  there were all kinds of police and paramedics.  One of the ladies that was there drinking and partying with my mom  had a baby, who they laid down on my mom‘s bed to when it fell sleep and the baby had passed away from SIDS. Of course at that time I didn’t really Understand anything that was going on. I don’t think I ever had seen the baby prior to that night at least I don’t recall. I didn't even remember this incident until a couple years ago.

I remember always playing outside with the neighbor kids and had my first little crush. We were outside playing and I don’t know I thought it be a bright idea to walk on board and then try to balance on a nail. LOL needless to say the nail went through my shoes and foot but I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t want him to see me crying.

 I remember one of my aunts dropping off her five kids for my mom to babysit for the night so she can go out. Well as she was known for she didnt return for days. I remember waking up in the morning and her younger kids had trash the apartment they got up in the middle of the night or early morning and got in the refrigerator and empty it out everywhere my mom was freaking out.

To be continued....

My story part 1

On July 29, 1982 at UMC Hospital (back then it was called something else) in Las Vegas Nevada I was born to a 15 year old ward of the state of Nevada who was a runaway at the time. My father was my mother`s first true love, a 17-year-old Italian boy that she was head over heels for is what she tells me.

I don’t remember much myself from back then but I’ve been told stories about my mom taking me and running to San Diego while my dad would come from Vegas to San Diego kick in the door where my mom had me at and kick in the door and  kidnap me and take me back to Vegas. Then my mom would go back to Vegas with her friends and take me back. The cops wouldn’t do anything because there was no court order stating Who had legal custody. I remember getting a print out from Las Vegas PD a few years ago of my background and it shows on there in 1983 I was reported a missing child.

 So my mom got me back the last time and she runs all the way to Ohio with me with some guy she meet in San Diego. She married him and then febuary 22, 1986 my brother was born. We stayed out in Ohio for a while. I don’t remember much from then but I remember they end up splitting up. I know I spent a lot of time on his family’s farm with my ‘cousins’.

 That’s where my first memories that I can recall myself come from. I remember being five years old and all of a sudden my mom was gone. I don’t see much of my ‘cousins’ or brother but when I did see him he always left with his father and I was left with his fathers brother. I was living  with his wife and him and their two boys who were teenagers at the time. My mom's youngest sister came and stayed for a short while, I cling to her like no other. Next thing I knew she was gone to. Next-door to their house was a girl my age that I would play with she turned out to be of my first best friend. I remember always playing with her and being really close with her. I always admired her.

 I remember being told that my mom wasn’t coming back for me because `I was bad and that she didn’t want me no more.` There was a long time I didn’t get to see her or talk to her. Or at least to me it felt like a long time.  I hated being there so I always try to escape next-door to my friend`s. I remember playing with Lincoln logs. I loved playing with them. Next thing I knew I was finally being taken to  see my mom in these rooms where is the strange ladies watching. my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother when she came back into my life.  Come to find out it was the CPS office she lost custody for a year and had to fight to get me back.

  Thank God she did, because my brother`s uncle was a sick fuck and sexually abusing me. What tell me fucked up things like ‘if I told anyone no one would believe me’, said that if I  wanted to ever see my mom again I would do it I was told. The images of what that sick fuck would do and have me do makes me realize how sick and fucked up people can be. I was placed with him and his wife because my brother`s father didn't want me because I wasn't his kid. So he only took my brother and the state placed me with his sick fuck of a brother. I wanted nothing more than to be back with my mom, even though life was chaotic and crazy with her, I didn’t care I didn’t know anything else that’s all I wanted. So I did like the sick fuck told me and I kept my mouth shut for a very long time. So basically he pretty much got away with it. Died before the world realized what a sick fuck he was. Fuck you John McDaniel!

I remember the day the CPS lady took me home to return me to my mom I remember that day so clearly. I remember walking in and sweeping my baby brother right out of the bassinet because I thought he was my real live baby doll to play with. I was so happy to finally be back with my mom. Even though life with her was never really a doll moment.

I was always the oldest kid around out of all her friends so I was always the one who would have to babysit all the little kids so they could go out and drink or even stay home and drink. I remember seeing bath tubs filled with ice and alcohol. She had several different boyfriends and we moved often.

We spent my baby brothers first birthday on a greyhound bus getting the fuck out of Ohio. It was my mom, my baby brother and me. My other brother had to stay with his father. I didn’t get to see him for a long time. I remember crawling up into some guys lap on the bus and sleeping in his arms.

To be continued....