My daughter’s father ended up getting sentenced to 6 years federal prison. So he was not around except through cards, letters and jail calls. When my daughter was about a year old his wife had seen a picture of her and knew that was his kid. He could deny her any longer to her. Twice I sent him papers for paternity test to prove she was his but both times he signed acknowledgement of paternity. He knew.
Around this time I start seeing a local doctor for pain in my ‘right shoulder’. They can’t seem to figure it out so they just write me scripts for pain pills. So I thought that was ticket to a legal high. So I begin popping pain pills.
Well I didn’t know that his wife was pregnant at the same time and had their son 10 days after my daughter was born. I spend many years trying to make admends to his wife because I was totally wrong in the situation and after getting clean and sober I really felt bad about my part of it. What a shitty person I was! Which I really struggled with because as much as I regretted it and felt bad, I was grateful for my baby girl who made me wanna life life again.
I started trying to build some type of open communication with his wife so that my daughter could have a chance to get to know her father’s side of family. In 2007 I completed my 3 years post prison supervision in Oregon. There officially wasnt anything holding me to Oregon. I had earned my very first week paid vacation from work so I put in to use it and maximize it by adding my two days off before and after so I ended up with 12 days off or something like that. I booked a airline ticket and a rental car to Arizon to see my best friend from high school.
I also ended up driving to New Mexico to take my daughter to meet her half brother and her father’s wife. It was cute to see them those two together. As awkward as you’d think it should of been for us to meet up and even share a motel room for the night and let the kids hang out, it really wasn’t. It was nice to see his wife and son accepting my daughter.
So after spending my paid vacation in Arizona I decided to come back and put in my two week notice and move to Arizona. So I pack up our whole two bedroom apartment and send it all with a moving company and I drive my car with my daugher and I to Arizona. We stayed with my best friend, her husband, and their daughter.
With a fairly recent ‘possession of c/s with intent to sell meth’ felony conviction on my record finding a job was not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I looked for months and months for employment and had such a hard time. I needed to put my daughter in daycare but how do you do that when you don’t have a job to pay for it and just interviews. It sucked for a while there. I also didn’t have the pain pill script I was used to having so I’m sure that might of contributed to my struggles there.
So I’m walking in Walmart with my daughter who was around 3 at this time and she’s holding my hand and looks up at me and says ‘mama, can you buy me a daddy?’ My Heart was crushed. I decided that no matter how fucked of a situation she came from it was her right to form her own option and it was on him to build a relationship with her. (I was so offended from him trying to deny her to his wife I had stopped writing him and sending him pics of our daughter)
So that evening I wrote him a letter and told him she wanted to know him. So we start communicating again and my daugher is amazed that her ‘daddy’ has a voice to put with all the letters and cards. I got a call from his wife saying she didn’t want to be with him when he got out and asking me to give him a shot to let him be apart of our daughter’s life. So him and I entertained the idea of him and I actually being together. So we start building this ‘relationship’ and getting to know each other better.
So I gave up and called my step dad and told him I wanted to go back to Oregon. It was to hard without any help to raise my daughter with no one. I realized how much my mom helped me with my daughter, well in every other way I needed as well. So he came down and loaded me and al of our stuff up and he drove our stuff as I followed in my car back to Oregon. I luckily was able to get my front desk job back and returned to work full time right away after returning.
I booked a flight to Florida where he was being held at in a federal prison and I booked 4 days of visits with him. Because we were flying all the way from Oregon they allowed me to do four back to back days of visits with him. So I book a flight, reserve a rental car and room in Florida. I take my daughter to meet her father in federal prison when she was 3. It was amazing to see her interacting with him. He insisted we take lots of pics.
On the third day of visits towards the end of it they make all the inmates line up on one side of the room and the visitors on the other side. It was over an hour before we were even able to leave. When we finally were able to walk out of the prison doors there were two armed guards with rifles one on each side. There was three medical helicopters on the grass to the right. I knew something went down and the Severity of the situation kind of hit.
So needless to say the visit for the fourth day was canceled and the prison would not allow it. For whatever reason he spends the next year in the hole and gets sent to another prison due to whatever involvement was suspected. Which would trip me out cause he was literally in visit with my daughter and I when that riot went down, how was he connected to it?! So we fly back to Oregon.
At this time I start to mess around with my second son's father. With him it was never ment to be anything because he was like a doormat for me. My daughter's father was coming up on being released soon and I backed out of him coming to oregon. I Told him to go home to his wife. They had to much history. I knew she was the one that truly loved him and that's where he belonged. There was something, after all the years and bullshit they still held on to each other and I knew I'd never compare. He was so upset with me.
So I'm messing around with this dude that is to this day the dumbest one I've ever met. He's struggling with staying off the heroin and meth which obviously caused ALOT of issues. I guess bottom line is I never had any respect for him.
My daughter and I go to new Mexico for my best friend's wedding. I took a test to see if I was pregnant it came up negative. Generic rite aid brand test. So we go to new Mexico and when I came back I took another test and sure as shit that shit came back positive this time. I remember being upset about it but thought that since he it least attempted to be in his first son's life that it least this baby would have his father.
So I settled on trying to make it work with him. We go to courthouse and get married. Defanitly not my proudest moment or smartest choice. By this time I'm doing well at my job and have made it through two owner changes and was in the general manager position for the property. I start working the weekends at a substance abuse treatment center in Astoria for extra money since I now was expecting another baby.
I was in my 7th month of pregnancy and had ended up quitting the motel to work full time at the treatment center. I help get my 'husband's a job there so I could take three months off to stay home with baby and he could cover the Bill's. I'm in my 8th month and all of a sudden I have two incidents where two separate female patient's try to physically fight me at 8 months pregnant. So they move me to intake & UR office and I'm doing some accounts payable stuff with the HR lady.
I work up until 4 days before my scheduled c- section. My new baby had his own brand new nursery I had put together for him with everything being brand new more then enough stuff for him. He was by far the most prepared for baby I've had.
April 5, 2011 I had a 7lb 8oz baby boy. He was healthy and a good baby. We want a quite baby, very content. When he was about two weeks old his father was working swing shifts at the treatment center.
I'll never forget it was a Wednesday and I'm talking to my mom on the phone, (who also worked at the same treatment center), and I tell her that I think he's cheating. Because no matter what he never would be home before 3am. I just had a gut feeling. Well two days later hes getting ready to head to Portland to pick up his other son for the weekend and he gets called into work to get fired because it had came out ye was fucking like 6 of the women who was there for detox before they got moved to the women's facility.
That's why the two females tried to attack me when I was pregnant, they both was fuckin him. There were some sick women there. One would cut herself and put the blood on her lips like lipstick. Another one was textbook Skitsopheric. That's when it hit me how sick he had to be in the head. I knew at that time I had to protect my son because he obviously had some issues.
I was so embarrassed, I can't even begin to describe how I felt, it was just fuckef up. To make matters worse hes still trying to deny it to me. Hes refusing to get out of my house. Even though he didn't pay for shit and nothing was his there cops couldn't make him leave. So I go back to work and they feel sorry for me so they let mr bring the baby to work with me. So until he was 3 months old my son would hang out in the intake office with me while I worked.
Then one day i had enough and i was on my way out the door and he wanted to say something stupid so i March my son in his infant seat over to the house next door where my grandma was and set him down and tell my grandma 'watch him' I storm back to my house and get into huge fight with him. I end up calling his aunt to make him leave, I'm telling him take all his shit he brought but that's it. Ye finally getc out and I refuse to allow him back in.
To be continued...
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