My story Part 20

 So his first night back I believe I was off and we spent it at the apartment with the kids. Then the second day comes and I find out either Kayla or Kaleb was exposed to lice at school so I spend the day stripping everything and treating everything just in case. That went well into the evening until I got ready for my graveyard shift.

I remember the house was kind of chaos. I only give Nathaniel a kiss before I left. The other kids were running around playing. I leave for work. I remember being at work and not feeling so well. I tried to call my husband between 1-2am and did not get an answer. I assumed he was sleeping with the kids. 

I finish my shift and get off work a few minutes before 6 am. I remember Nathaniel had his 4 month apt later that day so I was hoping to be able to get some sleep before then. I get home and the living room light is on, tv is on and my husband is passed out on the couch. 

I get a little irrated cause everything is on and messy. I go around start flipping all the lights off and turning the tv off. Then I go into my bedroom and go to get in bed with Nathaniel and once I seen him. His eyes were still open, he was blue, and I scream. My husband comes running in and I am calling 911. 

The instructed him to do CPR on our son who had passed away 5 hours earlier we will later find out. The paramedics would not even remove my son’s dead body. They left him on my bedroom floor and had a couple officers sit with us until the medical examiner showed up. I was so worried that one of the other kids were going to wake up to see there baby brother dead on the floor. Luckily my kids seem to be sleepers like me so they all slept through it.

That is the scene I have on repeat in my mind except I am watching it from outside of my bo and it’s all happening so slowly. 

The medical examiner shows up she ask me if I wanted to hold the baby. I don’t know if this is wrong or right but I did not want to hold him. I did not want to remember my baby that way. So I stayed in the living room and out of the way while they gathered his body. Good thing about small towns they get shit done quicker. So his autopsy was completed the same day. 

So around the evening time I get a call from the medical examiner. She tells me ‘He was perfectly healthy, you did nothing wrong.’ All I could do was scream in tears ‘If I did nothing wrong then why isn’t he fucking here!’  They declared his cause of death to be from SIDS.

I remember laying on my bathroom floor crying uncontrollably. I wouldn’t let anyone touch me I just wanted to be left alone. I rember my step dad coming in and finally getting me off that floor. 

The next few weeks are a blur. I was definitely struggling and was just a hot ass mess. I hated being in a small town because that meant that everyone was giving me those looks I’ve seen before, the ones where you know everyone is talking about you and your situation. So my family and I planned Nathaniel’s memorial and his services. 

I remember my step dad taking me to the mayor’s house and we are sitting at his kitchen table he was talking with my step dad and then he wanted to pray for us and so we let him and while he was praying I had a vision of two white doves being released. So from that point on I was set on finding two white doves to release at his memorial one for him and one for Evan. 

The dr’s put me on a high dose of Effexor and I had a horrible effect. I felt like a nausea deer in headlights. I was doing crazy shit like leaving work 6 hours early, calling my ex husband and telling him I would not be returning after work and nobody was able to find me for hours. In reality I was at the cove crying my eyes out. I cut my arms up with razors and overtook my medication by not remember I had already took it. I had high blood pressure and refused to take any of my medication. 

Well the rest of that night is posted so I’m going to stop right here for now and do some self care and will continue with the rest….

My story part 19

 So I return to my mom’s from Cali, I have Kaleb and Nevaeh and I’m pregnant with another baby and I’m completely broken. Nobody had a clue what I had just been through. It changed me to say the least.  

I start my prenatal care for my last pregnancy. It feels nice to always have some where to go and to not be stuck in my vehicle with the kids. It’s nice to be around familiar people. 

We get to August 10, 2016 and I receive a fb call from Eric (Evan’s father) it was a weird phone call to say the least. I felt like he had more to say or something he wasn’t saying. Left an uneasy feeling in my stomach I remember that much for sure. I get off the phone with him. I’m busy with the day to day routine of my kids. 

Then a few days later I get the message that he had overdosed and died on August 13, 2016. (Ironically that is my husbands date of birth) to be 100% honest I was honestly jealous. I felt jealous he was going to see Evan before me. 

Then comes November I’m 8 months pregnant I end up going to hospital because I was having contractions. The medication they gave me to stop contractions did not do that so emergency c section we go. Nathaniel was born 11/16/16. He was 5 week early due to it only had been 13 months since the last c-section so the scar tissue wasn’t holding.

So it’s about 12 hours later and my family is visiting baby.  Well then I notice it got quite and drs where rushing around me and in and out. The next thing I know they are telling me that Nathaniel is getting transferred to Portland. 

So I get up and start to pack our stuff up. The nurse tells me they aren’t transferring me just the baby. I was livid I told her you guys better get my discharge papers cause I’m going with my baby. His response was ‘well you don’t get no more iv pain meds.’ I looked at him and told him ‘you think I give a fuck about iv pain meds?’ 

The ambulance gets there and luckily they weren’t like the hospital and let me ride with the baby to hospital in Portland. I still had staples in my stomach and it had not even been 24 hours since I had this procedure done.

So they get him settled in the nicu. My husband and I are anxiously awaiting for them to let us know what’s going on.  He was the biggest baby in the nicu. Barely hitting 5lbs. He was only there a few days then they transferred him down to the children’s hospital where we stayed for about two weeks. 

I never left that hopital I stayed with him day and night. It was nice to have the extra time alone with him to bond with him and to fall more and more in love with him. He was so perfect in every way. 

I ended up having to be admitted to the hospital so they could remove my staples and stabilize my blood pressure apparently I got preclampcia after the fact.

My husband was there probably about 90% of the time. I know my mom had brought Nevaeh down to hospital to spend the night with her father, me and the new baby. It was just a preview of what was bout to start. She woke up in the middle of the night and woke Nathaniel up. So they both are crying I’ve got the baby and my husband has Nevaeh. 

The next day I asked my mom to come get them and take them home. So the last 4 days it was just me and Nathaniel. I remember he was released from the hospital on thanksgiving day in 2016. I was so nervous and scare the weather was so crappy outside. That hour and half drive seemed so long. 

At this point life was busy. I had a newborn, a 13 month old, Kaleb who was almost 5 going into kindergarten, and Kayla who was 12. Life was so busy then. Looking back now I can’t even imagine having to do everything I had to do for those guys in a day. 

Then in January sometime my husband and I get into it because I found out he was still talking to some bitches he had already cheated on me with. He decides one Friday when he got paid to buy a bus ticket back to Indio and left the kids and I without saying a word. 

Once again I was crushed and devastated and left with a whole lot of responsibilities to deal with on my own. He wasn’t much help when he was there anyways. I remember having to beg him for diapers for the baby or pull ups for Nevaeh. It was always a joke to ask him for anything. 

I was once again left heartbroken and to figure out how to pull myself together for these kids I had relying on me. Nathaniel was always in my arms. I swear that baby was always in my arms. He is how I got through that rough patch. 

After he left things started to fall into place for me and the kids. Not to long after I started working. I was able to get us our own apt. The kids and I had the apt for about a month but wasn’t able to spend much time there as I worked graveyard shift four nights a week. 

So the nights I worked my kids would spend the night at my moms and I would get off in the morning and either crash at her house or grab the kids and go home. 

March rolls around and he keeps asking me to get him a bus ticket back. At this point I was kind of upset about it. Honestly probably a little resentful and didn’t want to pay for it. Well come the end of March and he gets his way I purchase his bus ticket back to Oregon. 

To be continued….

My Story Part 18

 Durning this time we are taking frequent trips to Vegas. I managed to get a house in Vegas to rent. And staying there for about 6 months or so. Of course he came with me. He ends up going to jail for DV against me in Vegas. The cops literally made me change my phone number and stayed to watch me do it. To make sure he couldn’t contact me. Well he gets out of jail his mother buys him a bus ticket. I literally get ahold of him as he is on the bus leaving Vegas.

At this point my oldest was living with her father in Vegas and I was spending time with her as her father allowed. We were going through some issues and hadn’t came to an understanding with each other yet. I know my husband was a huge issue to my oldest father because he had done his homework on him and wasn’t pleased with what info he found out. 

He goes back to Cali for a couple days we keep talking for about 2 weeks or so . At this point my car had been repossessed so now I’m really stuck. No vehicle I felt so stranded like I had no clue how to get anywhere and with Kaleb to. The struggle was real. 

So I end up getting a ride and getting my stuff all in storage and Kaleb and I hopped on the greyhound bus to Cali. He picks us up and we end up staying at his parents house. I think we got along one night then it was back to where we left off. He kept just disappearing and leaving me and Kaleb at his parents while he was out doing whatever. Just the fact he would not say shit to me was the annoying part and gave me some serious abandonment issues. 

Over the next few months I manage to get another car financed through some dealership I’m not even sure how they got it approved but they did. So I get another vehicle and we of course get kicked out of his parents and are back in a vehicle. 

Within 3 months of returning to Cali I find out I’m pregnant with Nevaeh. The following day we are at the casino. I’m in the car with Kaleb and he runs in. He comes back out and he’s sick with a fever I’m just starting to feel the body aches. Kaleb’s cool he’s just chillin in his car seating playing his tablet. We fall asleep and next thing I know the casino security at our door. 

He is not allowed at the casino and they seen him there. So we end up both going to jail luckily his parents came and picked up Kaleb and my vehicle. I looked at being arrested as a blessing. I was released to an inpatient facility for treatment. 

I completed treatment and went into sober living as I was fighting a CPS case and for custody of Kaleb back. He went to treatment and things were great for a little while. Then one day we get into a disagreement and he decides fuck it he’s done and leaves his treatment and goes back to getting high.  

Durning this time my grandmother and I had not spoken to each other in years. A while after I got to treatment I get a fb message from my grandma and since I was in a way better place mentally I was able to respond appropriately. Little did I know that would be the last time I get to interact with that lady. 

In her will she left me her paid off Kia sportage. So I fly from treatment in Indio Cali to Reno nv attend her memorial and driver the vehicle back to Indio, ca.

So this leaves me living in treatment, getting ready to get transferred to some shelter because I’m getting custody of Kaleb and getting ready to have Nevaeh and two vehicles. So of course one night he punks me out of my car keys and there goes that vehicle. He tore it up so bad. He was just living it up in my vehicle and distorting it. I have my c-reaction  scheduled for 10/06/2015.

I was beyond devastated and pissed off at him. Luckily I had made some good friends in treatment and they were very supportive of me and the kids. I was struggling to get a job with the recent charges on my record and being at the end of my pregnancy. 

Between mostly my sponsor and the few friends I made in treatment and my mom, they made sure I had everything I needed for when Nevaeh was born.

My mom and her husband at the time fly in for Nevaeh’s birth. Thank god cause he was no where to be found. When he did appear he refused to take his sunglasses off in the hospital and was just acting like a a complete fucking dick.  

My mom and her husband came in the night before she was born. I needed a ride to hospital he was on one of his disappearing trips. We stayed at a hotel. After Nevaeh was born I stayed in the room for a night or two before they had to return to Oregon. It was difficult for him to even give me my vehicle so we had a ride to take my mom to airport. 

It was the hardest thing to not focus on him but I had this tiny baby girl who I was just in love with. Kaleb had just came back to me full time. Life was good for the first time in a long time. Little did I know it was going to be short lived.

Around this time Kayla comes back to live with me as well. So now I’m living in this shelter with my 3 kids. Trying to get all my classes completed to close this CPS case. Staying active in my recovery. 

Again the criminal charges and just having a baby, those two huge barriers to getting my own place. So I end up moving in with one the best friends I’ve made at this point by far! I move into a sober living house with her. 

He’d come over and hide under my bed for hours. I was just sober raising my kids doing what I was exposed to. At that point it wasn’t effecting me. But between his craziness and the owner of the sober living relapse it was a nightmare.

So I do what I do best. My CPS case literally just closed and I was planning on returning to Oregon. Well I decide to be an idiot and go one more round with him. 

At this point Kayla is unmanageable so I send her ahead to Oregon with my mom. So now it’s me, Kaleb & Nevaeh. Not long til we are living in a hotel room my friends mom is paying for. 

The money runs out her and her boyfriend end up flying to her hometown in New Jersey. So now I’m back to being on my own and now with two kids on the streets. 

Somehow or another I find a tiny little camper trailer in the backyard of some Mexican guy and his family. They turned out to be super cool and would do their best to try to help protect the kids and I. 

Of course I would bring him over and of course isn’t long before he’s fucking me up. Slamming me around that trailer like a rag doll. I managed to get the trailer door open before the final 3-4 blows to my head bouncing off the ceramic flooring. When I can start to see straight I see the Mexican lady pushing her husband to get him off me.

 We were like an hour from his hometown in the straight desert. Her husband gave him a ride home and told me he wasn’t allowed there anymore. Sometimes I’d go to Indio and straight get stranded for days til I could crap some gas money together. 

But to me he was worth it. I would give anything up to have his toxic love drowning me as I am stuck in a daze barely able to wrap my mind around the situation I was in with my infant baby and my toddler son. Completely alone my nearest relative was 9 hour drive north to Reno, NV. 

He never was much help when it came to getting us some where to sleep for the night or even just some where for us to be. It was always on me and the only resource I had was a vehicle. Other than that I knew nobody and had cut myself off from everyone but him. 

I got so desperate I had one of my friends from treatment tell me about an abandoned house that I broke into and slept. It was completely vacant and so Kaleb, Nevaeh, and I hold up in one room. I get the kids fed, cleaned up, and let them play around some til it was bedtime. That lasted for about a week then I got to paranoid. 

At this point I completed everything for CPS. That case was closed. I was at the very end of my interstate compact to transfer my probation to Oregon. So I’m just waiting and waiting. Homeless on the streets with two kids and let’s not forget to mention I get the big news that I’m at once again pregnant! 

That is when I decided it was time to go. I was already back to living out of my car with both my kids. Chasing this guy all over Indio and the surrounding area. Completely fuckin lost again!

Leaving was one of the hardest things in my life. I swear what was a 12-14 hour drive took me 3 days. I stopped and cried for hours at every single rest stop from Indio Cali to seaside Oregon. My kids and I get to Oregon and I am trying to get my shit together. I’m going to make sure baby is good and thriving like he should be. 

I’m lonely, clean and sober, and my mind is wanting nothing but my husband to be here with us. My family couldn’t stand him just because of hearing about all the shit he was doing to us besides that like I said he was a complete dick when my mom and her husband came to Cali for Nevaeh’s birth. So needless to say he wasn’t allowed at her house where I was living. 

But I didn’t care I still invite him and pay for him to come to Oregon. Not having a place for him to sleep I think he sleep in my vehicle for two days before my mom finds out and talked her ex into allowing him into his local shelter. He gets a job starts doing good. I’m coming to end of my pregnancy with Nathaniel. Trying to get ready for another baby, remind you Nevaeh at this point was barely 13 months olds.

To be continued….

My story Part 17

 So after we get the back of the truck loaded and Kaleb loaded in the truck, off we go heading back to Cali. It is an understatement to say I was head over heels for him. We get back to Cali and get everything unloaded. We had gotten back in town just in time for him to go to work. 

Then the reality of being back to being a full time single mom started to kick in. We started to fight. So come January 10, 2014 we decided to get married on one of our little Vegas weekend trips we’d make. I remember when we came back to Cali and his mom caught wind the first time she got me alone she tells me ‘idk why you married him he’s never been a provider.’ At that time I was completely offended and was like ‘I ain’t looking for anyone to take care of me.’ But of course years later I realized what she had meant. 

We told no one about getting married. It was him, Kaleb and I. Looking back now I can realize how stupid I was and blinded by what I thought was love. I know I did fall in love with the family culture of Mexican families. It some something I never really knew growing up. 

A lot of my memory over the last 10 years is kind of like bits and pieces. I know he had went to jail cause he had warrants. So he ended up being in there 30 days (the first time) I literally wrote him every single day. Just so he couldn’t question me about what I was really up to and all that shit but it never helped he still always did came out with his crazy accusations. 

I remember being so floored because what he’d accuse me of was never even a thought and I’d wonder where the fuck it came from. Cause 9 times out of 10 that’s what he was doing. I was all about him, I seen no one but him. 

I didn’t have any where to stay in Cali once we lost the house. So I’d often drive back in forth from Indio to Vegas. A few times I’d make that drive twice in a day. It was crazy. I lived out of storage units and stay in weekly’s. 

Exactly 7 days after we got married. We were empting the last of our belongings from the house. He’s got his friends there helping or whatever . He decides to start going through my iPad and was trying to log into my account, well I kept giving him the right password and he was doing something wrong and couldn’t get logged in, got frustrated and took it out on me. He backhanded me so hard that my teeth busted thru my mouth. There was  a gash in the side of my mouth that was just gushing blood everywhere.

 I was devastated. I couldn’t believe he had just put hands on me like that. He would not allow me to go to get medical attention, in fear of me letting medical staff know what really happened to me. He kept me held up in the motel room we were staying at. Then I had to go to storage unit and go inside and talk to them. As I’m trying to tell them something my mouth starts gushing blood all over the counter. They get me some paper towels and I leave (embarrassed as fuck) he finally agreed to watch Kaleb so I could go to urgent care.

 I made up some story about something falling off shelf and busting me in mouth. Since it had been almost 24 hours by the time I was able to get medical attention it was too late to get stitches. So nasty little scar I wear from that first time he put hands on me.

I was so confused because regardless of what he just did to me I still loved him like crazy and he was the only one in my world. I had nobody but him and who he allowed to be around me. So there wasn’t anyone around me to be like ‘hey something ain’t right’. Nobody there knew me. I was the new girl. I spent every day with him and Kaleb. 

Breaking my belongings and putting hands on me became a regular thing. He was constantly breaking something or accusing me of shit. I was constantly appearing with some mark or bruising some where. Or knots on my head. I was clinging to this hope inside of me that ‘the truth always comes out, so he’ll see. Then all this abuse will stop and he’ll start treating me right.’ Ya that was such bullshit. 

I  remember one fight he busted in my windshield in his mother’s driveway. Then took off with my car key. I was living out of my car so it was a completely fucked situation. I called my family crying they got me and Kaleb a room and my car towed to the motel til I could get the windshield replaced in the morning.

I had no clue what was happening to me but all I knew was I was like straight addicted to him and the toxic relationship we had. I truly loved him unconditionally. Just to be treated so horribly. Not only lied to, abused, my stuff destroyed but cheated on all the time. I had bitches hitting me up to tell me about bitches he was fucking. I was constantly battling them. I see now when I should have never engaged in that shit but I did. 

I fight anyone and everyone over him, he was MY HUSBAND! Little did I know or realize he was NEVER mine. He is textbook narcissistic. Back then I knew nothing about narcissist. So I really had no idea what I was involved and stuck in. 

To be continued….

My story part 16

 So now that the chapter of my story from the last 10 years is finally in the closing stages I guess I can get started on the last 10 years.

So I end up in southern Cali to start my new job. The roommate and I get along. She had just been released from prison. She had two kids but they were only around part time. We are hanging out and everything is going good. She’s introducing me to people and it’s a good time. I felt free and I was the happiest i had been since Evan passed away. This is the first time since I had my oldest in 2004 that I am completely child-free and just living it up.

So two weeks in a guy comes over spends the week with her and then the weekend comes and she tells him ‘hey can you go stay with Cynthia my boyfriend coming over for the weekend.’ 

So he comes and shows me where the laundry mat was so I could wash my clothes. And we are just having a good time. One thing leads to another I wake up the next morning hickeys all over my neck and my roommate is pissed at me and there is an awkwardness feeling there. So me and him just try to avoid the house and start kickin it tough. Man I tell you to say I fell head over heels for him is an understatement. I was so stupidly in love with him. So I end up getting kicked out of there.

 I find some trap house to rent a room from. Well my job ends up flying me to New Jersey for a week on some EMR training. Well the day before I fly out the guy who I’m renting the room from ask me for a ride to courthouse he needed to file some papers. He assured me it was going to be fine. Well come Wednesday I’m across the country in New Jersey. 

 ended up with a fever and sick in my room lost my time there. He calls and says they coming to lock everyone out. I start panicking. Cause all my stuff is there I literally packed light for this work trip. He ends up being a Superman and having his dad help him get all my stuff and moved it to his parents garage so I didn’t lose my stuff. I was so grateful for that they have no idea. 

So I fly back and that was a fucked up flight and all kinds of bullshit. First of all I’m still sick with a fever. My flights were delayed. I miss my connecting flight. So I finally get to LA and I still had one more flight to Palm Springs. Well that’s a two hour drive. The next flight isn’t until 9am the next morning. I’m so mad and sick I say fuck it and took my company card and went to rent a car and made the 2 hour drive back to Indio. 

It’s like 1 or 2 am when I pull into his parents house. He runs outside and meets me tells me where to park and we creep in and go to bed. The next morning I wake up to his son starting at me. Wondering who I am and why I’m in his bed. I get up shower and go out to meet his parents and two of his kids that his mother had custody of. 

His mother seemed to be impressed I had a job and car. His father swore I was some drug dealer. LOL. So I end up busting ass and securing us a 3 bedroom house in DHS. Just as luck would have it the same day I got the keys for the new house, I lost my job. My last check I needed to get my keys and then that was it for income for a minute.

October comes around and my mom tells me I got two weeks to make the trip to Oregon to get my middle boy who was 18 months old at that time.we figured perfect timing we would have his father drive us in his family’s big pick up so we could grab some stuff I had stored at my moms. Since we had own house. His father, him and myself took off before the sun came up Friday morning, off to Oregon we go. We literally deove all day and night, got there loaded my shit.Noticed my 55’ Plazma TV was missing. Come to find out my little brother traded it for some bath salts or some shit. Which is why he refused to came back to Oregon with my mom,

To be continued…