So his first night back I believe I was off and we spent it at the apartment with the kids. Then the second day comes and I find out either Kayla or Kaleb was exposed to lice at school so I spend the day stripping everything and treating everything just in case. That went well into the evening until I got ready for my graveyard shift.
I remember the house was kind of chaos. I only give Nathaniel a kiss before I left. The other kids were running around playing. I leave for work. I remember being at work and not feeling so well. I tried to call my husband between 1-2am and did not get an answer. I assumed he was sleeping with the kids.
I finish my shift and get off work a few minutes before 6 am. I remember Nathaniel had his 4 month apt later that day so I was hoping to be able to get some sleep before then. I get home and the living room light is on, tv is on and my husband is passed out on the couch.
I get a little irrated cause everything is on and messy. I go around start flipping all the lights off and turning the tv off. Then I go into my bedroom and go to get in bed with Nathaniel and once I seen him. His eyes were still open, he was blue, and I scream. My husband comes running in and I am calling 911.
The instructed him to do CPR on our son who had passed away 5 hours earlier we will later find out. The paramedics would not even remove my son’s dead body. They left him on my bedroom floor and had a couple officers sit with us until the medical examiner showed up. I was so worried that one of the other kids were going to wake up to see there baby brother dead on the floor. Luckily my kids seem to be sleepers like me so they all slept through it.
That is the scene I have on repeat in my mind except I am watching it from outside of my bo and it’s all happening so slowly.
The medical examiner shows up she ask me if I wanted to hold the baby. I don’t know if this is wrong or right but I did not want to hold him. I did not want to remember my baby that way. So I stayed in the living room and out of the way while they gathered his body. Good thing about small towns they get shit done quicker. So his autopsy was completed the same day.
So around the evening time I get a call from the medical examiner. She tells me ‘He was perfectly healthy, you did nothing wrong.’ All I could do was scream in tears ‘If I did nothing wrong then why isn’t he fucking here!’ They declared his cause of death to be from SIDS.
I remember laying on my bathroom floor crying uncontrollably. I wouldn’t let anyone touch me I just wanted to be left alone. I rember my step dad coming in and finally getting me off that floor.
The next few weeks are a blur. I was definitely struggling and was just a hot ass mess. I hated being in a small town because that meant that everyone was giving me those looks I’ve seen before, the ones where you know everyone is talking about you and your situation. So my family and I planned Nathaniel’s memorial and his services.
I remember my step dad taking me to the mayor’s house and we are sitting at his kitchen table he was talking with my step dad and then he wanted to pray for us and so we let him and while he was praying I had a vision of two white doves being released. So from that point on I was set on finding two white doves to release at his memorial one for him and one for Evan.
The dr’s put me on a high dose of Effexor and I had a horrible effect. I felt like a nausea deer in headlights. I was doing crazy shit like leaving work 6 hours early, calling my ex husband and telling him I would not be returning after work and nobody was able to find me for hours. In reality I was at the cove crying my eyes out. I cut my arms up with razors and overtook my medication by not remember I had already took it. I had high blood pressure and refused to take any of my medication.
Well the rest of that night is posted so I’m going to stop right here for now and do some self care and will continue with the rest….
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